Having a child pass away is a loss unlike any other, a pain that I never could have imagined, a hole in my hearts that nothing will ever fill, a missing piece of our souls that no one can replace. Our Milana became an angel and received her beautiful wings on June 21, 2012. There are no words that can truly describe that day, that minute, that second when my husband & I held her close as she took her last breath & closed her eyes. Nobody should have to experience that. She was finally at rest after suffering for days from Acute Myeloid Leukemia so that brought us comfort. We held her forever that day. We had the peace of knowing she went to Heaven knowing she was loved more than anyone could imagine. It is still unreal to us. We just can't believe it. I sob as I type this. More than anything, we want her back...to know that's not possible is heartbreaking. Milana will ALWAYS be our dream come true! Since I was a little girl, she was my wish...my beautiful princess. We personally believe that we receive signs from our angel.
She sends us pennies, butterflies & other beautiful signs! For us, they help us heal. Another thing that helps me feel serene is to visit with my angel. It's so peaceful to feel the warm sunshine and the cool breeze while listening to the birds chirping & Milana's tiny wind chimes making the most beautiful music. I know that some people find it difficult/too painful to visit their loved ones in the cemetery, but I find it so comforting. Not sure if that's odd...it just calms me. I decorate her resting place for every holiday and every season. Its my way of still "taking care of her". I'm her mommy and I have that inborn need to take care of her and be sure that she's happy. This is one of the only ways I know how to do this.
Every second since Milana became an angel has been & continues to be a struggle. Our hearts will never be whole again. We smile and live each day in honor of our sweet Milana! As I mentioned earlier, we are so grateful for all of the "signs" our precious angel sends to us daily. They remind us that Milana's still with us & watching over us. It is said that time heals all wounds. Well, I'm not sure how much time it takes because it has been over 2 years and the pain of losing Milana is so sharp that it feels like yesterday. Tim & I miss her so much it's unreal. People often ask us how we live without her...how we go to work, take care of things, etc. and honestly, there are times that we don't know how we do it. We do try to remember that even though we have lost our tiny angel, there are people out there fighting their own heartbreaking battles right now. We pray for them. I know that this post is written purely from my point of view. However, when Milana died, I said to my mom that I wish there was a book to tell me what to do because I don't know how to live without her. As time went on, I realized that there isn't a set way to "get through" life without her. We simply had to live! We will always miss her, but she would have wanted us to live life to the fullest for her. There isn't a right way to grieve. You must do what is right for you!